Signs That You've Lived in Fairbanks Too Long

Do You See Signs? May 12,2005
Fairbanks Daily News Minor
Letter to the Editor, By David A. James
Clifications for non-Alaskan reader placedc in ( ) by me

Here's more signs that you've lived in Fairbanks too long for your own good:

You miss Wally Hickel (right wing radical governor). You still haven't pulled the (left wing) "Fran Ulmer for Governor" bumper sticker off the back end of your Subaru. You read in the News-Miner that North Pole is a town full of "red-necks, renegades and religious fanatics" and think, "Hot damn! Here I come! You used to worry about those people out in Ester; now you live there. You're a right-wing conspiracy theorist. You're a left-wing conspiracy theorist.

You drive out of your way to see what the sign at Bible Baptist Church says. You find yourself agreeing with the sign. The last work you did on your Alaska dream home was when you wrapped it in Tyvek and slapped plywood over the floor joists and then moved in and that was 22 years, two wives, and three live-in girlfriends ago.


The term "getting your meat" which once meant moose hunting in the fall, now means grabbing a pound of chicken strips at Fred Meyer. The only thing you own that's larger than your truck is the NRA sticker affixed to it. Your long hair just can't cover up your redneck...or your potbelly.

While rummaging through a dumpster at the transfer station, you stop to answer your cell phone. You walk into Lowe's without realizing its a new store, you just assume Home Depot has changed from orange to blue. You don't mind the long lines at Alaska Coffee since the wait gives you time to ponder the tattoos on the baristas. The highlight of your day is reading the letters to the News-Miner.

You think "planned parenthood" means having more kids so you can collect their PFDs (Permanent Fund Dividend checks). You didn't know that PFD is also a term for life jacket. You can't get out on the river because your air-boat broke down in 1987 and ever since then has been sitting on a dilapidated trailer in the front yard of your unfinished Alaska dream home.

If any or the above applies to you, congratulations. You are now one of us.

David A. James
Fairbanks