Tis the Reason for the Season

 Its been several days since I last wrote. With Cindy being back home after her 4 month absence I find myself with much less alone and quiet time from which I gain inspiration no write. Maybe its actually the lack of sexual frustration that is retarding my inspiration. Plumbing problems have also preoccupied my mind recently along with -40 degree temperatures.

We are quickly approaching the Winter solstice, "Tis the reason for the season." The sun goddess will soon win her first battle against the god of darkness forcing a 6-month retreat into the light. Most modern inhabitants of this planet hardly notice this annual event anymore, instead preferring to mark it only with religious myths and legends or in more recent times, with conspicuous consumption and spending. Perhaps this modern custom of remembering this celestial holiday is actually a throw-back to the original practice of feasting, gathering, an dancing around warm fires under star studded skies. 

Miracles

 Once again I am sitting in my living room watching the darkness fade into light. The everyday objects that surround me gradually glow back into visiblity and I find myself pondering them. There is the old steamer trunk currently used to store the grandchildren's toys. Has to ever served to transport an immigrants worldly possessions across stormy seas to the hopes of a new world? How many human hands touched it on its travels? Did a sweaty blacksmith toil or smokey coal fires to forge forge the brass corner pieces? Who and where were the miners ripping the metals from deep within the earth from which these reinforcing pieces smelted? How about the trees used to construct the box. Did they grow in the sweltering heat of some Amazon forest, or the dark of the African jungle, or more probably, just in the green of the new world. How in the world did these things ever find there way into my living room in Fairbanks Alaska? I have no answers to these questions. However, the probability of any of these molecules ending up beside me to store toys is almost infinitely small. 

I tend to define a miracle as something that has impossible odds of coming to be. By that definition everything that surrounds me is a miracle in its own right. The wooden rocking chair resting beside the steamer trunk; the tropical plants growing on my window sill; the complex cells organized together that I refer to as my wife. They all are miracles that I have come to take for granted. The probability of any of them existing at this point in time is almost non-esixtent yet the infinite sea of time has molded them to exist in this moment. There does not need to be purpose or willful creator of such things. These of simply constructs of the human brain, which is itself perhaps the greatest miracle formed by the waves on the endless ocean of time.

Writing---River of Addiction

This will probably be a short post, just a brief riffle to limber my fingers before re-entering the stream I began yesterday, currently titled Jobs. I started that piece with no idea what to write about but quickly was drawn into the torrent of memory pressing ever onward toward the calling sea. Although my body grew tired and my mind ached I could not escape the current, driven onward through the boulders of memory. Lucky for you my readers, I eventually pulled my canoe into a small calm with intention to rest but like anyone who has spent a day on the water my mind remained on the ever rocking waters whenever I closed my eyes; bouncing of rocks and digging in paddle while scouting for a good line between boulders and hydraulic memory holes. Although it is still hours before sunrise cuts through the night's darkness I might as well get back into the current.

Jobs

 I was resting at home alone (something I seem to do a lot these days) recalling all the jobs for which I have received monetary renumeration for so far in life. I thought it might be fun to compose a list of such. I may return at a later date to further discuss the individual items as each triggers numerous memories for me. The dates listed are approximate at best.

1. Domestic Dish Washer: Starting at a fairly young age, probably about 8 or so, (1965?) I was employed by my mom and sister Sue to dry the evening meals dishes. Sue was originally tasked with this job but as she grew older she supplemented my "allowance" by off-loading the task to me. If I remember correctly she paid me $2.50 every two weeks which doubled my income. Mom still washed the dishes but I had to dry them with a white cotton towel.

2. Bioluminescence Field Researcher: About the same timeframe as #1. My duties included catching lightening bugs or fireflies in the summer evenings and imprisoning my quarry in glass jars that were placed in the kitchen freezer. Once the bugs were in a subdued state, they would be placed into plastic bags. My mom often assisted be in this endeavor, running through our and neighborhood yards, catching the bugs in our hands and depositing them into jars. My mom came up with an ingenious invention for keeping the captured bugs from escaping the jar while new bugs were added by replacing the jar lid with a funnel. The new bugs could just be thrown down the funnel while the old bugs never seemed to find the opening to make their escape. When the summer season ended the bugs in the freezer were mailed to some scientist, I think in Antioch Il. , where he was studying bioluminescence and in return he would pay me some meager amount according to the weight of the bugs. My first paid foray into the scientific field!!

3. Newspaper Delivery and Collection Specialist: I embarked on this financial journey probably about 1967or 1968 and was employed to deliver the Chicago Tribune, Chicago Suntimes, and a few Wallstreet Journals. These were morning papers and the deliveries had to be complete before 7:30 AM. In addition to delivering the news I was required to collect payment for the papers every two weeks and then to turn in the money to the newspaper office in downtown Aurora Il. Once again my mom was a great assistant in this endeavor as was my dad. Mom would roust me at dawn to bring the bundle of papers from the curbside and them sit at the kitchen table and help me fold them for easier transport on my bicycle. Again she came up with an innovative solution to keeping them dry on rainy days by bringing me plastic bread bags from her work at the high school cafeteria and them placing the folded papers inside for a dry delivery. My dad, with his efficient mind, developed a route map for me to follow in making deliveries which would minimize street crossings and the need to ride extra miles. I do not remember how much I got paid but think it was about $20 every two weeks plus tips.

4. Landscape artist / yard boy/ snow removal expert: This career probably started around 1969 and extended to overlap with #5. It involved mowing lawns at various housed and shoveling snow for other houses' sidewalks and driveways when the climate blessed us with snow. The grass mowing was rather pleasant, a reason to be outside in the summertime, and my various employers had modern lawn mowers with gasoline engines instead of old push mowers like my dad's. Besides cutting the grass I also trimmed hedges (sometimes with electric trimmers), edged sidewalks, pulled weeds from gardens and performed other maintenance tasks. I had several regular employers and think I was paid $5 for a grass mowing.My business spread by word of mouth, quite often my my sister Sue's mouth. 

5. House Painter: As mentioned in #4 my sister Sue did much to set me up in this business during the years of about 1971-1973 or there about. By this time Sue was a young adult and had contact with various doctors and somewhat wealthy individuals residing on the more affluent West side of Aurora. They may have had money but certainly not so much that they would turn their backs on cheap labor. What usually started as a lawn work assignment often developed into more. I landed several gigs painting the exterior of several of their houses. I'd finish one job and be passed on to one of the homeowners friends to do another. They would buy the paint an supplies and I would ride my trusty bike to their house in the morning to do the work for something like $3 per hour. I loved it! Standing on a ladder in the sunshine, paint brush in hand, listening to WLS play on my radio while watching pretty girls walk and ride by. I thank my Dad for developing my painting skills during the numerous times our own house seemed to require a total or partial paint job itself.

6. Warehouseman Store Stocker: 1973-1974: This was my first foray into the official working world with labor laws, Social Security and of course taxes. I was paid with a check instead of cash. When I turned 16 I already had encumbered myself with a steady girlfriend and needed a steady income to pay for pizza, flowers and the other expenses of romance. I walked to downtown Aurora and began visiting businesses seeking employment. One of my first stops was Walgreens Drug Store on the corner of Broadway and New York. I came armed with good grades, a smile and in retrospect probably an Uncle who was president of of the bank across the street. They hired me part-time to stock shelves, put price tags on merchandise, unload trucks, run the cash register and organize their basement storehouse. My pay was something about $1.25 / hour, less than what I had been making on my own, but regular. Perhaps more importantly, it initiated me into the world of business with managers, owners, competitors and fellow employees. I did not always enjoy my time there, it had high points and low, but I will probably write more at a later time because it certainly left me with memories.

7. Warehouseman Store Stocker: 1974-1975 I worked for the National Tea grocery store after hearing about their employment opening from a high school friend that worked there. I started as a bagger, putting customer groceries in paper bags, helping them carry the bags to their cars if needed and periodically collecting shopping carts from the parking lot and surrounding area. My pay was substantially more than at Walgreens but still under $5.00 / hour. Eventually I worked my way up to the position of Stocker and learned to run an electric forklift and to operate an industrial trash compacter, one of the must fun activities. This job also introduced me to the need to punch-in and out of a time-clock and the vagaries of shifting work schedules conjured up at the whims of store managers.Again, good times and bad ones, but certainly lots of memories.

to be continued:

8. Dishwasher: 1975 at Northland College in Ashland Wisconsin. My real job is navigating through classes, drinking mass quantities of all kinds of spirits while continually stoned on magic weed but and "man" does require some income to support the above actions so I took a job in the schools cafeteria washing dishes. The pay was minimal and mom wasn't standing beside me hear my constant complaints but the industrial equipment and joy of spraying water at friends as they threw their dirty dishes through the return window eased the hardship. The job only consumed a couple hours out of each day and being primarily a student I could opt out of working even those if more pressing matters demanded attention.

9. Drug Smuggler: 1975-1979 My duties primarily consisted of picking up pounds a occasional kilos of marijuana and distribution of said product. The job was no where near as glamorous as that depicted on the TV showMiami Vice nor as dangerous or profitable. There were no speed boats or guns involved nor bikini clad girls but there was a beautiful girl, my supplier, with long blond hair that made my groin tremble every time I picked up a shipment from her house. (she was super smart as well) I learned to distinguish the product quality from smell and would be "fronted" the product only to pay for it with the proceeds on the next pickup. I didn't make much money, only enough to supply myself with smoke and beer. A pound usually cost $400 and I would divide it into 1oz bags to sell to friends at the local dive bar appropriately named The Office. It was a fun and taught me people skills and a general disrespect for police and other members of the ambiguous "establishment."

10. Mattress Salesman Extraorider/ Warehouseman: 1977-1979 I found this employment the same way I found my original official job at Walgreens, I simply walked into the establishment, smiled and spoke respectably and coherently to the owner of Owen's Furniture Store on Second Steet in Ashland Wisonsin. The pay was minimal but more than washing dishes at the college. My primary duties included unloading furniture from trucks, vacuuming floor and selling furniture to customers. My specialty was selling beds and mattresses to the wives of college professors, not always appreciated by the professors themselves. The schedule was fairly flexible, the store was within walking distance of where I lived and the work not too difficult.

11. Gas Meter Reader: Northern Illinois Gas, Joliet Illinois, 1976 This was a summer job obtained because my Dad worked within "management" of the company and they offered a program that let the children of such employees work in the summers to fill in while the regular meter readers took vacation time, The pay was around $5.00 per hour which seemed fantastic to me at the time. I rode everyday to work with a fellow employee, Jeff Cawldwel, in his VW Beatle which was an adventure in itself. Our duties were to go to houses to read the dials on the meters recording the natural gas usage for the month. It was fun. Joliet is home to a large state prison in who's shadows were many of the neighborhood in which we worked. Jeff and I grew to be called "the church key gang" because of ability to obtain readings from places in which the meters had not been able to be read for months. The "church key" was a crowbar which we would use to break into the basements of buildings in order to read the meters there within. Besides learning the art of breaking and entering I learned how to quick-draw mace to ward of vicious dogs and people, how to avoid buckets of dirty water thrown out doors by floor scrubbing housewives, and how to appropriately time my announcement, "Gas Man!" when entering fenced yards occupied by nude sunbathers. The regular meter readers implored us summer workers to not work to hard in fear that if the bosses found out that a route could be completed in half a work day the routes would be subsequently lengthened. Respecting their wishes left us much time to throw frisbees in the forest preserves of even to take rides in company cars to go on fishing excursions. One regular reader actually stored all his fishing gear in the trunk of the company car. Oh, the rigors of the working world!

Break time and to watch the sunrise

12. Gas Corrosion Specialist: Northern Illinois Gas, Bellwood Illinois, 1977 This summer employment was obtained through the same program mentioned above in #11 and the pay was the same. However, in this job we were not actually reading the gas meters but inspection them and their connecting pipes for any signs of corrosion, leakage or tampering. I suppose something as important as "billing" couldn't be delegated to a bunch of college kids home on summer vacation so instead the company dispersed us for the less vital assignment of finding threats of possible explosion! The biggest benefit this job provided to me, although unbeknownst at the time, was that I met my future wife. She was working in the same position and her cute ass provided an irresistible target for my rubber band shooting skills. What better way to spend the time during the daily pre-work meetings? Again the regular meter readers admonished us to not walk our routes too quickly so on most days we could spend our afternoons hanging out at forrest preserves, restaurants or pool parties at the house of a coworker that lived in the area. The biggest challenge was staying out of sight of the supervisors that patrolled the streets looking for loafers. They didn't seem to care so much about the loafing but were quite concerned if they spotted more than 2 company cars parked in the same area as this caused complaints from the nosy public.

13. Iron Worker: Garbe Iron Works: 1979-1980 Aurora Illinois  Uh-oh, no longer a student and out in the real world! I obtained this job after my mom and dad tired of me moping around in their basement apartment searching for work. Who knew that a college graduate from a small college with a undergraduate degree in Biology and Environmental Science wouldn't be a sought after commodity by the pillars of industry of the Chicago area? Bummer!! Once again my mom and or dad came to the rescue by talking to our neighbor who worked as an engineer for Garbe. The pay was not too bad but the work extremely dirty. I worked primarily running a computerized bending machine which the neighbor, an Englishman named Kenneth Emerson had designed. The local Garbe family was familiar with the Bachert family and its association with bank presidents and the like so they had no problem bringing me on board. I worked in a shop populated almost entirely with Mexicans of who's legality was never questioned. I enjoyed my fellow workers and they often shared their taco lunches cooked on dirty hotplates with me while we sat along the Fox river behind the plant. They taught me a few words of Spanish while we ate but I never gained the efficiency at their language as they had mine. I was elected to Treasurer of the sham union which supposably represented these workers. Perhaps I'll write more on this employment at a later time as it provided some interesting moments while it also provided some money to stockpile for my upcoming marriage and trip to Alaska. 

Up next: The Alaska Years

14. Tutor: University of Alaska Fairbanks: 1980-1981 SOS Department I answered a posting on a flyer that was pinned to a bulletin board on campus and was hired. I tutored university students that were having difficulty in various science oriented classes. Most classes were related to Biology but some were Chemistry and a few Geology were thrown in. Some of the classes I had never taken myself so it involved reading the books and the notes that the students had taken. Many of the students were on a path to become nurses. I got along well with them, especially the girls, and they all seemed to improve their performance. The schedule was flexible so I could work the classes I was taking myself, primarily in Secondary Education with a few computer programing courses thrown in. The pay was decent and helped supplement Cindy's pay from her job as a Nurses Aide at the Fairbanks Memorial Hospital.

15. Fisheries Technician 1981 Alaska Department of Fish and Game, Pelican Alaska I managed to get on the state registry to be notified of employment opportunities and was thrilled when I received a telegram stating that a seasonal position was available in Pelican. I dug out a map and discovered that Pelican was a small dot on Chichicof Island in Southeast Alaska and jumped at the opportunity. I don't remember the salary but it seemed good when compared to the salaries in the Illinois or Wisconsin. More importantly it was in my field and promised great adventure. Unfortunately it would mean leaving my young bride for the duration of the summer. After flying the 1000 or so miles to Sitka I learned that I would be stationed at a Fold Storage facility in Pelican where I would count and separate salmon by species brought in by the commercial fishermen. Some of the fish would have a clipped off adipose fin indication that they had a micro tag imbedded in their forehead. On these fish I would place a wire tie through their mouth so that the heads could be preserved for later dissection and the micro tag removed. The micro tags would then be examined with a microscope so that the hatchery and river drainage of their origin could be determined. This job and especially Pelican was great fun despite the endless hours of standing in a dreary cold warehouse while a cold rain poured down almost every day. I lived in a bunk house with processor workers that would return after a 12+ hour workday covered in fish guts. I will need to write more posts about my time in Pelican since the experience was quite an eye-opener with many adventures involving giant toothless crab fishermen, life threatening tides and currents along with almost getting run over by an amphibious Otter mail plane. 

16. Computer Node Supervisor: 1981-1982 University of Alaska, Systems Computer Technology INC. The husband of a nurse friend of Cindy referred me to this position. He (Rodger Akers) held a position of some prominence at this company. SCT managed the computers at the University and I was hired to supervise the Computer Node. The Node was basically a room of CRT computer screens intermixed with some printing computer terminals. This was before the time of personal stand alone computers and when the idea of the Internet was in its infancy at government research laboratories. All the computer terminals had individual 1/4 inch cables connecting them directly to a Honeywell mainframe computer in the adjoining computer room. My duties primarily consisted of helping students and faculty debug their own programs as well as to make use of a few statistical codes already compiled and running on the mainframe. I had a staff of about 10 students also performing these tasks on a part-time basis. Computing and the tech field was booming and I was proud to be participating in it. Email seemed magical but was confined to the users with accounts on the Honeywell. At the beginning of every semester I would need to add new accounts and remove accounts for students no longer enrolled. As mentioned previously, SCT was a private company managing the computing resources for the university and they had hired me as an "outside contractor." Im sure this helped SCT's tax accounting somehow as it I later learned complicated mine. 

17. Network Technician: University of Alaska Fairbanks,Network Control 1982-1983 The university had decided to drop the SCT contract and begin managing their own computer infrastructure. I was given the choice of relocating to another SCT site or staying with the University. I had completed my schooling and obtained a Teaching Certificate and had a son on the way. I chose to take the full-time position with the University as part of the Network Control group headed by a man named Jerry Allen. They took me on despite my total lack of knowledge, education or training about electronics or computer networking. I quickly learned about RS232 connectors, statistical multiplexors, analog modems and microwave and satellite circuits that linked the state together. I learned the color code used inside 100 pair cables which was interesting since my boss, taught me and he was color blind. (he rarely made a mistake!) I loved the people I worked with party like atmosphere prevalent in the tech field and university environment at that time. So much activity, so many new things happening, including the birth of my son Jeremiah! As a throwback to the SCT contract I was entitled to live with my family at what was called the Pool House, a dilapidated house on campus that we shared with some of the other Node Consultants. This proved tenuous and when Cindy and I moved out,  the place was soon to be condemned. Hey, the place was rent FREE! (I think the dates for #16 and #17 might not be accurate but they are close)

18. Pro Data Boise Idaho 1983? Shortly after having a heated conversation with my manager (now Tom Healy)  concerning my salary I received a phone call from my friend Roger Akers (see #16). He was then working for a company called Pro Data in Boise Idaho. He invited me to interview to work for that company and I agreed. The phone call came to the cabin we were staying at moments after I had spilled a large pot of boiling water down my front. The cabin had only a wood stove for heat and no running water. I had been heating the water in preparation to bathe my infant son in a larger tub. Knowing that the ringing phone was my job interview I went ahead and answered it.  About 2 questions into the call, I finally blurted out that I was in tremendous agony and was trying to hold the phone with one hand while pressing two pounds of frozen hamburger to my now blistering crotch. They allowed me to reschedule the interview. What a first impression I must have made! At any rate I accepted the job and was soon winging my way on a jet with my son Jeremiah perched on my lap. (Cindy was completing her nursing degree at the university campus in Anchorage so couldn't accompany us.) Looking out the window at the desolate landscape below I got a sinking feeling in my gut that I had made a grave mistake. I was right. Pro Data had a very "suit and tie" culture, a culture I abhorred. ( I only owned one suit !) Boise with its rather snooty Mormon influence didn't sit well with Cindy either. My god, the women even wear make-up to go grocery shopping! My time in Boise were some of the darkest of my life. I recall seriously considering suicide by automobile while speeding down a dark highway one night! A large concrete viaduct, lonely road, inside a tiny Toyota, it would all be so easy. I do not blame friends Carol and Roger, or Pro Data, or even Boise itself. They all had tried to do me a favor. No its Alaska...it had ruined us to live anywhere else.

19. University of Alaska Fairbanks: 1983-2000 

I made it back to my beloved Alaska and was able to get my old job back at the university's computer network. This occurred after a phone call to my previous director, the same Tom Healy which I had exchanged words of disatifaction prior to my leaving 3 months earlier, informing him that I was once again in the market for a job. His reply, "I'll see what I can do." I had by this time decided I was headed back to Alaska so had started making arrangements to move back to Alaska. I had decided that I would prefer to be poor and unemployed in Alaska than anywhere else. I flew Cindy and Jeremiah back and scheduled to moving company to pick-up all our household goods. On the morning I was waiting for the moving company to arrive my telephone rang. It was Tom Healy calling to offer my old job back at a salary considerably more than what he had offered to keep me from leaving. I instantly accepted and then he asked when I start. I told him that I was currently sitting around the house waiting for the movers to arrive and thus could be back in the week or so that it would take me to make the drive. Somewhat flabbergasted, he asked, "You were that confident huh?" I told him no, but I figured I could be a desolate bum in Alaska as well as anywhere else!

During the next 17 years I progressed through numerous job titles and positions. I planned and participated in moving the entire network infrastructure from the Bunnel building on lower campus to the Butrovich building on upper campus. I participated in the transformation of the tech industry as it progressed from analog to digital; from terminals an mainframes to personal computers and from local networks to the global internet. One aspect that I enjoyed the most was traveling to all parts of the state to bring these changes to far flung places. I was able to see places like Nome ,Kotebue,  Ketchican, Sitka,St George Island and may more. It was exciting, fun and often incredibly hard physical and mental work. I installed the first fiber optic cables at UAF, crawling through the steamy, underground utilidoor network that criss-crossed the campus. I fell through the ceiling into a classroom of surprised students at the community college in Bethel and almost had the chance to visit Magadan Rusia, but that trip was stolen by my supervisor at the time, Bill Gregory. During these years I met and often befriended a multitude of colorful people, enough to fill the pages of a large book. The people were more exciting than even the exploding technology and I only wish I could share these adventures in their depth with future generations but I'm afraid the shroud of time will inevitably bury them for eternity. At least I got to live them!

20. University of Alaska, Arctic Region Super Computing Center (ARSC): 2000-2016? (pretty bad that I can't even remember my retirement date but I don't feel like looking through my paperwork)

The Arctic Region Supper Computing Center was a high performance computational center located at UAF funded primarily by the US Department of Defense's High Performance Computing Modernization Program and was founded in 1993. It housed various "super computers," some of the most powerful in the world during its existence. It provided computing resources for scientist researching everything from space physics, to submarine design, to sea ice and currents and earthly weather modeling. I was recruited to work their by fellow colleagues that had also worked at UA's computer infrastructure. I think they brought me on board not so much because of my technical knowledge or education but because of my willingness to do the type of work they did not really desire to do; cabling, moving and installing equipment, analyzing and arranging the the electrical power and air conditioning requirements of these power hungry computers. This position provided me with the opportunity to travel to and occasionally speak at national conferences, conduct tours of the computer room and provide connectivity to the super computers for scientists, staff and students, often times located in distant parts of the world. It became the crowning achievement of my tech related career. I had great fun, some great frustrations, especially frustrations with working within the DOD's bureaucracy, but the people I met and worked with more than made up for any of the frustrations. In a tangential way it allowed me to achieve my life long ambition of working in science. I may not have become a scientist myself but I was able to assist scientists in a plethora of fields pursue their projects. I am honored to have played a small part in their endeavors and to have worked with such a great bunch of people.

ARSC lost its DOD funding as Alaska's US Representative Don Young lost some of his clout and as UA fell behind in its ability to provide the electrical power and cooling required to feed these computers. The decline was somewhat gradual over a few years and ARSC's management did all they could to lessen the impact on its employees. Many were transferred to other positions and departments within the UA system. I was prostituted out to to spend half my time working for the Alaska Satalite Facility who in turn contracted to have me work on a joint project with NASA. (Hey! I finally achieved my childhood goal of becoming a rocket scientist..haha) It became evident that my bosses were primarily keeping me around out of deference to my proximity to retirement age and I was aware that I had somewhat become a dinosaur. The tech field had been booming with new developments occurring at a break-neck pace and I was slowing down. I no longer had the energy or desire to try to keep up and it was time to move on to make room for the more driven "young bucks" coming up behind me. I retired, with sadness but also great relief.

Retired and Onward:

I have never been one to deeply base my self identity in my career. However, reviewing this length post that was initiated with the idea of being much shorter, I have come to realize just how significant my work has been within my life. It certainly is not the whole story. There is romance, being a husband, rearing children and grandchildren and of course, fishing. However, working certainly has been an important thread in the tapestry of my life. People often say, "Do what you like." I say, "Like what you do!"

Unthanksgiving

 I do not know what title to put on this post as I have no idea what I'm going to write about. Usually I put a title on a post before I begin scribbling in hopes that it will suggest what topic to write about. Sometimes I revise the title after I conclude but some most times what I end up writing works its way around to relating to the title in some way, even if in an obscure metaphoric reference.

I find myself approaching the Thanksgiving holiday. Yesterday my mind wondered if we shouldn't institute a counter holiday to Thanksgiving, one where we 'celebrate' all the things for which we are unthankful. I realized that for most of us, on most days, this would include almost everything, not because our lives our so dismal but because we tend to take all life's pleasures for granted. No, my idea of an Unthanksgiving would focus on all the things we truly hate and despise. Creating such a holiday would add a sort of balance to our holiday calendar. We could curse everything from hemorrhoids to hunger: from Brussel sprouts to bloodshed. On this day way we could concentrate our psychs not on thanking our gods for these things but rather on focusing on humanly destroying them. 

You see, I did come up with a Title for this post after all! Thank god!

Purpose, Efficiency

 I came to realize while contemplating this mornings sunrise that writing serves me much the way fly fishing does. They are both exercises in inefficiency and without purpose and perhaps that is why I do them. The purpose of most of human endeavors are to prolong existence; to provide air, water, fuel and shelter to our mortal bodies. Fly fishing and writing these words provide none of these. The fish I do not eat and the words are never read. Well, sometimes I do "eat my words" but they never provide sustenance.

Sometimes I an asked, "why don't you become a fishing guide or a commercial fisherman?" and sometimes I think I should or should have. Sometimes it is suggested that I should strive to be a published author and sometimes I think that would be a worthwhile pursuit. Both of these ideas would ultimately destroy the pleasure I derive from these activities. They would be degraded to the level of all the other things that require efficiently and purpose.  Ultimately no mortal endeavor has any purpose but recognizing these activities as such keeps them holy.

Sugar! Velveta and Joy

 I ventured to the grocery store today in order to fill my larder with even more lard. While strolling down th baking goods aisle I hear a feminine voice calling, "Sugar! Here sugar!" I turn and look to see a familiar thin figure dragging an older woman of about my age by her non-resisting hand. 

Never being able to resist the temptation of flirtation, I replied, "Here I am...Err...Oh, I thought were calling me.'

Both women's faces lifted into laughter, the older one's perhaps with a hint of wariness while the younger one's never shifted from its unabashed exuberance. I recognized the younger one as being an employee of the store's that I had observed on many of my previous visits to the establishment. She was a thin, wispy lady/girl, her bubbly enthusiasm lending to more a girlish description than womanish.

"Oh! I was just showing my mom where the sugar is. I WORK here after all." she proclaimed with both pride in declaring her vocation and frustration at her mother's slow moving feet. 

"I know you do," I told her, "I've seen you in here before."

Looking me over and obviously aware of the familiar pork-pie hat atop my head, she quickly quips, "Ya. You're in here all the time."

I think, " well not ALL the time, but obviously often enough for you to have noticed." but instead I say,"Well since you work here would you be so kind as to direct me to where I can find the Velveeta cheese?"

The girl rapidly described  how to navigate to the cheeses and when I informed her that I had already been there but that the Velveeta escaped me, she practically took me by the hand to whisk me over to that aisle while telling her mother that she would return to help her find the sugar that her mother was by now standing in front of. I protested, pointing out that she was not currently"on the clock" but she took no mind. In route, she inquired how my day was going, commented on how nice it was to see the sunshine despite it being cold, and how her day was made so much more happy by the fact that her brother from Texas was in town visiting so she had gotten to spend time with him. Arriving  in the cheese aisle and finding that indeed there was no Velveeta, she immediately offered to escort me to the Deli where they have a "wide assortment of fine cheeses that would certainly suit my needs." I declined the offer telling her that I had my heart set on that fake cheese, Velveta, with all its additives and preservatives, and left her to return to helping her mother.

This wispy girl/lady, with her mennonite style clothing and crooked teeth; what a joyous creature! I know most people would label her as "simple-minded,""slow," or "handicapped " but is she? I think I would welcome a mind that was perpetually happy, overflowing with the joy of life and hellbent on bringing that vision to all she encounters. She brought some of that to me today. I hope I brought some to her as well.

Contemplation, Dreams

 Usually my mind is rather meditative while I sit waiting for the sun to slice an oozing gash through the nights darkness but it but such peace eludes it today. Usually I drift off into cohesive thought of one subject or at least a train of thoughts coupled into a linear or at least a parabolic curve. This morning my thoughts are a more jumbled wreck of train coaches piled in a knarl. Perhaps I should not attempt to write anything but sometimes the act of scribbling letters into words untangle my mind.

My nights slumber was interrupted by multiple dreams. None were especially wonderful, scary or enlightening but all vivid enough to roust me. Dreams, the ancients and even some moderns place great importance on them. Freud thought of them as windows into the subconscious while others see them as windows into the future. I think they are just the buzzing of neurons that refuse to take a break, rehashing events, emotions and senses from the previous day and years. I find it interesting that we define at least two meanings to the word "dreams"; one being the thoughts occurring while in slumber, and one being that which we hope for the future. It seems both are required to be human. 

Evening Light

 Usually I like to watch the night's darkness slink away from the creeping morning's dawn. An early appointment with Darrel, the furnace guy, negated that opportunity today so instead I am watching the low afternoon's light crawl back to darkness. The tall green spruce trees with their splashes of white snow shift back to black and white sentenials guarding the night sky. Most people prefer sunsets but I favor sunrises although I am at loss for a reason.

The temperature dipped below 0 F last night for the first time this autumn. This event always excites me a bit as does the first snowfall or when water is an again be heard dripping in the opposite season. I think it gives me reassurance that the galactic systems are still in order.

Blackness comes quicker than I expect this time of year. Yesterday  it overtook me on my 10 mile trudge to physical therapy and to pick up tickets for my annual date night with granddaughter Annalynn. I was lucky that I had my headlamp and red Blinky light stowed in my backpack as there was considerable traffic along much of my route and drivers this time of year always seen in a rush to get to their ultimate destination, or to send me to mine. Nearing my home I also was spurred into a bit of a rush. My bladder applied the pressure. It spurred be to take a small detour to the bushes near the river. I was quite tired by the time I made it in my door and my legs are reminding me today that I must be becoming an old man. I resist the notion, still preferring sunrises, but hey, sunsets are fine too.

Nonexistence

 Is it possible for nonexistence to exist? If so, would it not then exist?

Screams

 Screams unheard

Words written never read

Touches not felt

Odors without smell

Flavors untasted

My life

Snowfall

 The sky is the color of a cup of cream muted by a smidge of coffee stirred carefully into it. White coconut flecks precipitate from its mist as if a reflection of my mood. It is neither as dark as yesterday nor as bright as I hope for tomorrow. 

Today is Sunday, the Sabbath, in most of western Christendom at least. A day to be kept holy; a day of rest. It has been decades since I took such traditions and superstitions seriously. This morning, during the most common church hour, I journeyed to local Walmart store in search of a couple specific toys that two of my grandchildren want for Christmas. I chose this hour in an effort to avoid most of the "churchy folks" that tend to crowd the roads and places of commerce after their atonement and offerings of praise. Protected by angels they drive with abandon as they rush to accumulate more sins within the secular realm so that they have fodder to confess and be forgiven of next week. The scene can be amusing but also dangerous.

I find it amusing that I often am of a contemplative mind on Sundays. Maybe it's just a consequence of the years of brainwashing and indoctrination imposed upon me for so many years. Hey, if god rested after six days laboring creating the universe don't I deserve one day too? My labors are not nearly as expansive or as fruitful as gods but I'm a mere mortal. But what day to choose? There seems to be confusion on this matter among the religious and since I'm no longer held tethered by any such orthodoxy, I'm free to choose. Hell! Since I'm a mere mortal, and a rather old one at that, maybe I'll choose choose everyday to rest.

Lonely Thoughts

 November 21 2021, a just another gray day in Fairbanks with gray thoughts as if to match the skies. The virus has crept across the planet for more than two years weaving its silken webs of isolating silence, simultaneously burning holes of raging hate in the hearts of man. Will the silken garment of peace and love self-mend? 

My isolation has been made more extreme by my wife's absence while she cares for her sister many thousands of miles from my side. This rent in the fabric of my life, though a patch of love in her sister's, still leaves me with a chill. 

I have never been in fear of loneliness; indeed I often seek and embrace it. People who seek constant companionship befuddle me, Where do they find such energy? Do they somehow fear their own thoughts and ruminations? This said, at times the monsters lurking in my skull scare me and I desire someone to walk with. Someone to distract me from the sickle poised to strike off my head;  Someone to be angry with me; someone to laugh with and at me. Someone to love me. My wife Cindy ....

One Small Step. One Giant Leap for Fishkind

 Oh shit! Icy daggers of water pouring in the tops of my waders. Feet scrambling to feel the rocky bottom. My mind racing; don't let go of that Sage fly rod; keep your feet facing down river; kick towards the promise of shallower water just downstream. Arms and legs growing tighter and heavier. Breathing, gasping, like steam engine puffs. Then, I feel it, first on my left heel, then the right. Digging both into the gravel substrate I let the current push me into a somewhat upright position. I plod into the ever shallower water like an over inflated Michelin Man and role onto the bank. My heart is pounding like a bass drum but more importantly, my Sage fly rod is still firmly gripped in my left hand. So the adventure began, with a single small step.

The day started out like most other fine summer days along the Delta Clearwater river. Its crystal waters rippling over the rocky bottom casting ever undulating shadows. Standing at the state campground boat landing I ponder if I should go upstream to the large bend across from the Delta Clearwater lodge where I know the Grayling often congregate, or should I head downstream to less explored waters. Knowing that I still had a few more days to tease the fish, I decide to explore some new water and head downstream.

The first few hundred yards is an easy riverside stroll along well establish trails on the edge of the boreal forest. Flames of fireweed blooms sway in the breeze as lush green ferns combine with scraggly wild rose scratch along the legs of my waders. As the trail narrows and dodges spruce tree trunks bowing towards the steep river edge occasional sloping openings allow me to drop down to the river and scout for Grayling sipping  mayflies from the surface. There's not much activity now though I suspect it will pick-up as the sun rises higher into the sky and entice the insects to emerge on the waters surface. I press on further downstream.

The trail dwindles to a moose path and begins to drop in elevation. I emerge onto a marshy flat draining into the river over silt and cattails. I make my way to the river's edge and examine the water for fishing opportunities. The flats allow ample room for even my rather limited casting perfection. The opposite side  seems to hide a deeper channel partially undercutting its alder and birch studded bank. A bit further downstream the river snakes back to the left leaving a rocky shallow shoal. Upstream a small birch tree waves in the water waiting to snag any unwary canoe sliding along the far bank. Its disturbance creates a shadowy and fishy looking back-eddy.

I rig up my fly line with an extended body, olive mayfly imitation and trudge out to where the silt flat slopes into the main current. My line unfurls like a green snake glistening in the sunshine behind me as I begin my forward cast. The fly streaks across the currents and lands with a soft plop about mid-steam. Unfortunately it falls far short of the birch tree's back-eddy just as the golden body of a Grayling slashes into the sunlight just behind the tree. I take a couple the steps into the deeper currents and prepare for another cast. This cast also falls short so I repeat the process until the rushing waters are gabbing at the chest of my waders. I analyze the situation. The bottom has changed from cobblestone to loose shifting gravel under my feet, causing me to periodically adjust my footing. Just ahead, just a small step,  the gin clear water reveals the possibility of a better foothold, but how much deeper is it? The Grayling slashes another mayfly from the surface just behind the birch tree calling me forward like the melody sung by the Greek Sirens of old. My feet begin to roll on the rock marbles beneath. I lung forward hoping for better footing but my feet find nothing but emptiness. So the adventure begins and hopefully does not end!

I lie on the far bank and let some of the terror drain from my heaving lungs and pounding heart. I laugh at my stupidity for worrying so much about keeping my fly rod so firmly in my grasp while floundering about in the icy waters, but am relieved that I had done so. Standing upright my numb, shaking fingers struggle to unsnap the buckles of my flooded waders with the intention draining out their sloshing contents. Shaking fingers accomplish their purpose and soon I peel off their cold, sucking material, spilling their icy gallons of liquid onto the mossy shore. Next off are my pants and shirt which I wring out and hang on a nearby shrub to dry in the sun. I'm lucky. It's a beautiful summer day, probably about sixty-five degrees and the sunshine warms my clammy skin. 

What to do now? My unplanned swim has taken me to the north bank of the river, the wrong side. My camp and all road access lies across the icy channel that I just traversed in such life threatening style. Warming in the sunshine I consider my options while slapping mosquitoes from my no longer numb exposed skin. First order of business, apply bug-dope before I become a swollen, itchy blob of raw meat. Digging into the chest pocket of my waders the horrifying realization that my bottle of bug-dope has become dislodged during my swim and is probably  miles down stream. Reluctantly I wiggle back into my still wet but no longer dripping pants and shirt. 

I decide to wait. Occasional power boats ply these waters and surely if one comes by it will take pity on this half drown waif and ferry me up to the boat launch. Swat! Good, I got that damn  bitch mosquito trying to withdraw her allotment of blood from the end of my nose. An hour passes and still no buzz from an outboard motor, only the buzz of determined mosquitoes. Maybe I should pass the time by attempting a few casts to that fucking Grayling that lured me into this predicament in the first place. I struggle back into my corpse skin waders and pick up my fly rod. This side of the river offers a better casting angle to reach the birch's back-eddy but a few casts prove that the Grayling had been sufficiently entertained by my previous flopping about in its watery world to move on to a more peaceful place. Looking at the deep channel separating me from the camp side of the river I contemplate just going for it and taking another icy plunge of fate but what little sense resides in my brain convinces me otherwise. "Hmm. The boat launch can't be much more than a mile up the river and just a few bends beyond would put me directly across from the Clearwater Lodge where I know I can cross without swimming. " I should just start hiking."

Sweat drips into my eyes stinging them with the smashed mosquito parts plastered to my forehead. I stop to rest on yet another spruce dead-fall that blocks my way. Wild rose bush thorns snag my hands and alder cones ensnare my fly line. The thick moss under my feet make each step like walking in sand. I take the time to clip off my fly and reel the line onto the reel's spool. Up ahead the brush gives way to a more flat area pocked with crotch high tussocks crowned with cat-tails and red tinged hemlock. The way forward looks easier but anyone who has walked through tussocks knows the such a landscape hides true misery. Soon I'm dragging my testicles over the tussocks like a toddler with a loaded diaper. Each step up is like climbing a three foot stair only to be followed with a step down into slippery mud.  My ears prickle like cactus as the incessant mosquitoes probe their every fold. "Midges. That is what they are. Trout food, as any good fly fisherman will tell you." That thought provides me no solace.

Relief! The ankle twisting, crotch biting tussocks suddenly give way to smooth water. Then the realization that I've been walking not along the a contiguous side of the river, but rather, along an island in the stream, hits home. The shoreline that is across from the lodge, the shoreline which I hoped to give access to safe passage, is on the far side of this water. The water ahead is perhaps a couple of hundred yards wide with little current. It appears shallow and certainly crossable. I plunge in and immediately sink to me knees into the duck shit muck that hides beneath its surface. Pausing for a moment to reconsider the options, my foot sinks deeper into the morass. The only option is forward. Pulling with all my might I extract one foot and throw it forward for another step. This forces my back foot to sink even deeper. I pull it up. My wading boot slides a notch down my ankle in its preference to remain in its muddy grave but I manage to keep it on. Every step is the same. I pull one foot forward only to drive the other deeper. 'How deep does this muck go? Who knows?" With eons of ducks crapping it might extend for yards. The everglades are known for quicksand but up here we have quick-duckshit. Visions of sinking forever into a stinking abyss drive me forward. My waders seem to be filling with sweat as my lungs heave with every yard gained. In desperation I sprawl forward into the few inches of water covering the muck in sort of a combination dog paddle otter hop. Watery soup pours over the tops of my waders and despite its rancid smell its coldness soothes my heaving lungs. Can one die of hyper and hypo-thermia at the same time? A bump! Something solid has bumped into my toe. I explore it with my half-off boot and discover a tree trunk buried  about foot down into the sucking mud. Getting one foot on top of it I try to pull my other up as well. The reluctant boot slides halfway off my foot but I manage to extract it and climb onto the tree.

Standing on my precarious perch I survey my situation. A hundred yards of flats lies ahead and an equal distance lies behind. Good sense would dictate to retrace the steps I have already made rather the risk the unknown that lies ahead, but my head is not known for its good sense. I could just wait here and hope for a passing boat, but what boat would feel compelled to rescue this mud encrusted statue posed in what looks like shin deep water? Never the less I wait and use the time to perform an uncomfortable and never practiced yoga move to retie my sagging wading boot. " That hum, could it be an approaching motor? No, its just the damn mosquitoes chewing through my cheek bone." I sprawl off my tree trunk and resume my belly crawl towards the distant shore.

Although the distance seemed to grow longer with every paddle I eventually haul myself out onto the spongy moss of shore. I see the boat landing on the opposite shore a short distance ahead and after shaking some of the clinging duck poo mud from myself continue my trek into the boreal undergrowth. After another half mile I find myself standing across from the lodge. An older lady sits upon a lawn bench near the riverside enjoying the the day and her book. She sees me and gives a friendly wave while a few revelers on the lodge's deck swill their afternoon beer. No one has a clue as to my day's adventure. I make my way to the spot I have forded the river numerous times and begin my practiced but somewhat tricky crossing of the rivers's currents. With more caution than usual I drag my aching body to the other side and walk, stinking of duck mud and sweat to my camp. 

Stripping off my clothes I hose off with fresh water and pull on clean, warm clothes. I brew a hot cup of Costa Rican coffee and add a generous splash of whiskey. I build a blazing fire in the fire ring and settle next to it in a camp chair. Soon a man in the latest Simms waders comes by carrying a top-of-the-line fly rod. "Saw you out on the river. Anything biting?" 

"Nothing but mosquitoes." I reply.

"OH well. As they say, the worst day of fishing is better than the best day of working." He strolls off as I contemplate the fact that he has NO idea!

A Father's Love non-fiction

Dad's Shakespeare Model FN 

 The mist hangs over the  early morning mirrored waters of Lake Owen. A pair of loons whistle to each other as they work the shoreline. The stillness seems to extend farther than the pine forest that surrounds our gently rocking skiff. SCREECH rips through the silence like a scalded bobcat...like a truck engine deprived of oil and its piston bulldozing into the cylinder wall. The loon pair slips in silence beneath the lakes surface. Jumping from my seat at the boat's bow I prepare to dive to safety to join them. Then I hear the familiar click,click clack of my Dad's ancient Shakespeare reel as he reels in his line. Then another SCREECH rips through the air as Dad winds up for another cast, the nightcrawler flailing through the air trailing behind the half pound lead sinker rocketing  it to a noisy splashdown fifty feet off the port side bow. Ahhh...No imminent danger, other than from possible flying worm guts.

Thus is the memory dredged from the recesses of my mind as I gaze upon my Dad's old fishing rod now perched atop his roll-topped oak desk that now sits in my study. The faux pearl handle where his hand used to rest and the fuzzy dacron line spooled by his hand onto the old reel. The ancient rod and reel were a huge embarrassment to my pre-adolescent mind at the time and only now do I recognize the love present in this hands.

We were fishing on Lake Owen, just outside Cable Wisconsin. I am sure my Dad would have much preferred to be walking the green sunny fairway of a golf course, yet here he is sitting in a creaky john boat with his not quite snot-nosed anymore son. I'm sure my Mom had lit the fire under his butt to spend some of his meager vacation time doing something with me  that I enjoyed, so here he was in the boat with me. He was never much of a fisherman. He used to tell the story of how he once went on an ocean fishing charted with a bunch of his buddies in the Army air corps. Everyone around him on the deck were pulling up fish one after the other while his bait went unmolested. Feeling sorry for him, one of his friends re-baited his own hook and handed his pole over to Dad to use. They swapped places along the deck, even switch sides of the boat, all to no avail. Everyone else kept catching fish while my Dad's line remained slack. No, Dad was not much of a fisherman. Oh, he'd occasionally take me to his brothers house along the Fox River in Oswego Il. where we would occasionally catch a Carp or two and sometimes we would drive the twenty or so miles to Silver Springs State Park and pretend we were going to catch some bass, but for the most part he didn't share my enthusiasm for the sport. He did enjoy getting out in nature, looking at the birds and perhaps a deer or two. More than anything he liked spending time with me, seeing ME smile and revel in nature's melodies. Melodies to which both our souls could harmonize.

After that "embarrassing" morning on Lake Owen, we went to shore and quickly made a trip to a nearby tackle shop. There, I purchased for him, a brand new Zebco spin-cast fishing rod and reel with modern monofilament line. I currently have that screechless reel also perched on his roll-topped desk. Silent though it may be, it is his old Shakespeare that screams of my Dad's love for me the loudest. 

Thank-you Dad.

Seeing is Believing...maybe not

 One of the things that makes me most nervous about Trump is his creation of the term "Fake News." It would give hime to much credit to say that he was the first to create fake news. It has been around probably since human's first guttural mumblings. No Trump didn't invent it but he coined the phrase and thus I blame him.

Verbal and written deceptions are scary enough but visual ones visual ones would be or more should I say, are much scarier. Humans, by are very nature tend to believe what we see more than what we are told. This is especially true today as so many people don't have the patience to hear or read but rather are addicted to the fast pace of video. Is there a more damning evidence than a video of some politician engaging in some lurid act while being secretly filmed? 

I read an article a month ago, describing how even under funded hackers can now create video clips from publicly available voice and video clips thrown in with a bit of digital manipulations that show their quarry doing and saying things that never took place. Their manipulations can only be detected by digital experts using sophisticated analysis and even then it can take days or weeks to determine the fraud. The speed at which information is now distributed renders such analysis almost useless. The carnage is already committed. 

Presently it takes someone with certain knowledge, skills and equipment to make a convincing video fraud but this ability is quickly becoming available to any moron with a laptop. Hell, even the porn industry is already embracing it. They make movies of celebrity look-a-like writing in ecstasy beneath tubular aliens of good enough quality to arouse the libido of their fat, scrundgy viewers. The more mainstream makers of animated movies even go out of their way to inject a tiny amount of artificialness into their characters because too much realism unsettles their audiences. 

What will happen when deep pocketed and well organized groups like governments, terrorists and espionage experts start using this technology? Are they using it now? Probably. What happens when every nerd with a computer of phone can utilize this technology? Truth doesn't die but it certainly becomes indiscernible in the sea of informations.

So if you see a video of Trump blowing Putin or Biden eating fetuses don't believe them. Your eyes CAN deceive. So what should we believe...who knows? (and that is what will tear society apart) 

Cold Mornings

 The sun rose into a cold day this morning. It's not really cold, only about +25 F. In another month or so I will find such a temperature a pleasant reprieve. Not so this morning. The air slaps my face like the bite of the first shot of clear vodka at an evening party. Everything is relative. 

Cindy is at work again at what is supposed to be her day off. Public Health's computer system went down at the end of her work day preventing her from finishing her charting on the progress or regression of her beloved Covid patients. Once again I find myself alone in this old house. At one time in my life I would have found this dis-heartening at the least or anger provoking at the worst. Not so today. Over time I've accepted the fact that I am but one love in my wife's life. Her love of nursing; her love of helping the afflicted, has permeated her being since before I entered her life. I have played "second fiddle, or at least only a single fiddle of the many in her orchestra. When my own life was busier, full of chasing snotty nosed kids and career generated dollars this often made me angry and frustrated. Today I just accept it as part of her. How could I be so selfish as to want to not share this person with the rest of the world? The world needs her. 

I'm not sure how the previous paragraph relates to it being a cold morning or to "Everything being relative," but these were my thoughts when I sat down to write this on this blog today. I could share with my readers, or bore them, and write about the wood-pecker on my front yard tree, or the few words I exchanged with the lady walking her dog down the street on this brisk morning. (nice lady) But I think I will spare you boredom of reading the individual threads that sew together the tapestry of my life. 

Rays of Hope

What a beautiful day! Mountain sky blue stretching for eternity above with ribbons of golden sunshine streaming down like warm caresses. The morning air nipping at my nostrils like a playful puppy.  I think I, like most people who live nearer the poles, notice days such as today with more appreciation. Appreciation forged from a heart that knows that such blessings are soon to be lost. The hours of daylight are vanishing at a noticeable pace. My senses are awakening from their slumber through endless summertime daylight with little need of the warm coziness of a jacket. New pleasures are approaching; the blackness of winter nights dotted with stars billions of miles away; the sounds of white silence; the hug of a warm steamy house. Yes these pleasures are coming and probably too soon! But for today I'm happy that my senses have been jolted awake to relish the sweetness the universe is showering upon me today, even if they are to be soon replace with other blessings.

Mindfullness vs Mindlessness

 In today's world there is renewed interest in mindfulness. We are advised to be mindful of what we eat,where we shop and how we interact with the world. Yoga instructors give classes emphasizing to be aware of how we move our bodies, what muscles we tense or relax and position of bones and joints. Meditation enthusiasts instruct us to focus on a given mantra, or for the real experts, to focus on nothing at all. (Have you ever tried to think nothing at all? My experience says such is impossible for the human brain.) We are told to "get in touch with our feelings." In essence we are to be aware; of everything we do, say and think. 

Amid this sea of mindful advice, we are also instructed to "go with the flow," to just let the universe wash over us; to "place our trust in god." We should go with our gut instinct, go with our first choice and not overthink our actions and their reactions. What is a mind to do?

Perhaps there is no dilemma here. Our bodies, and I think the universe itself, demands such counter-diction. The muscles in our limbs are set on opposite sides of their supporting bones and are in constant tension counteracting each other when the limb is "at rest." When we move a limb one set of muscles lessons it tension while the opposing muscle increases it by contracting. When the moon orbits its planet the force of its momentum balances the force of gravity between them. I once read that some great scientist,who's name escapes me, postulated that in any sufficiently complex system of logic there exists counterdicting true statements. 

I think I tend to favor the "go with the flow" mantra in my life. My body performs the vast majority of its activities in a mindless state and usually I'm quite happy about it. I'm glad I don't need to tell my stomach to go ahead and empty its contents into my intestines or which of my muscles to contract or relax in order walk or run. I find it very stressfull when I take a class in fly-casting and need to be aware of the proper movements to send my fly gracefully over a river's ever changing currents. When I attempt to do so it inevitably results in my skilled instructor admonishing me and telling me, "you're just waving your arms around like a discombobulated windmill." When I find myself standing on a stream and decide to pay attention to what I'm doing my casts quickly go to hell and my level of enjoyment decreases almost completely. In a short time I revert back to daydreaming and just let my arms and body revert to doing their own thing. I follow the motto of that successful sports shoe manufacturer (Addios or Nike?) and just "Do It." That is not to say that I don't at times espouse the "mindful" approach. I did after all, sign up and pay money to take that fly-casting class and certainly am mindful of my feet when crossing the rocky bottom of a swiftly flowing river. (Although, many good stories have originated from such occasions when I forgot to to be mindful. Stories of wet, cold, terror. ) Both opposing states are required for the rich homeostasis of life.

Mundane Pleasures

 I often find pleasure in rather mundane, mindless and senseless tasks. Tasks which most people probably would not list as their favorite activities in life. Most people dread shoveling snow, mowing the lawn, washing the dishes and painting a wall. Not that I always eagerly seek out such "chores." Sometimes, especially in my busy past, I would and will go to extreme lengths to avoid such senseless, mindless and repetitive endeavors. These very characteristics are exactly what I seek out sometimes, especially now that I am living the leisure life of retirement. Maybe mindless activity is a perfect fit for my now daft mind. 

Gardening, digging in the dirt, pulling weeds, harvesting the procedes are all cyclic and repetitive. Some people would argue that it certainly isn't mindless or senseless. They plan their gardens; measure their soil chemistry; arrange their planting for maximum yield or beauty.  They would argue, "gardening certainly is not senseless, it provides tasty and healthy food after all ." They may be right but I prefer to keep my garden mindless and senseless. I can easily obtain all the tasty and healthy food I desire from the grocery store and probably at less cost and time than I put into my garden. Its a good thing too! If I had to feed myself from my garden I would be one skinny dude. I also like to keep my gardening mindless. Sure I think about what and where I want to plant but I do it on the spur of the moment, not according to specific instructions from a book. Yes, sometimes i will read about gardening or watch a video on the subject but mainly just for background information.  Basically I just play. Feeling the warmth of the sun on my back and the coolness of the soil in my fingers.  Watching the beetles and spiders scampering about in the leaf litter. I love it that three is no-one around to tell me I'm doing it all wrong. I do it however I feel like doing it at the time.

Many people, especially men, grumble about mowing the lawn or shoveling snow. I rather enjoy both activities. Like gardening, there is no one around to bitch about how I am doing it. I can mow the grass in squares or diagonals or even circles if I can figure out how to do so. I can pick any starting point that suits my fancy even if my choice results in re-shoveling or re-mowing a given spot. I can strive for the utmost efficiency or I can forget efficiency and just strive to hold off working in one area so as to not disturb a rabbit or squirrel or bird that is hanging out at a given location. I can inhale the smells of the warm grass or the sharp bite of the cold night air. While the lawn mowers growl can be mesmerizing I think I prefer the scrape of the shovel and the dull thud of snow "frurrumping" into drifts. Once again, basically I just play.

Now that I find myself becoming a mindless old man even dishwashing can be be pleasurable. This certainly was not the case in my younger years. I have owned several automatic dishwashers (mechanical ones, not wives and children.) I used to refer to those machines as, "marriage savers," as they saved my marriage from collapsing into a heap of moldering plates and pans. If one broke down it became a priority to repair or replace it. I could write an entire history on the lives and demise of the dishwashers I have owned but not in this post. Now I often find soaking my old hands in the warm,sudsy water quite pleasing, even mildly erotic, especially if its a cold day. Yes, I still bitch, "Cindy, why didn't you at least rinse this cup after you drank this sticky creme soup out of it?" Or, "You could of at least taken your paper napkin off the plate before you threw it in the sink!" But the memories of the tasty meals that dirtied the dishes and the love shared while eating them also warms my heart as the water warms my hands. Washing dishes leaves me feeling grateful and maybe a bit guilty over the abundance in my life. I can't say that I really play while doing the dishes, at least not the way small children do when they do. Maybe some day I will learn to be more childlike again, For now I'll just settle for the sensuality of the water warming my hands while memories of meals and time spent at the sink with my mom or sister warm my heart.

Focus, WRITE

 My mind woke up screaming today. I mentioned it in my previous post. I've been trying to slow it all morning with no success. Trying to focus on one task, one train of thought, only to be side tracked in another direction moments or minutes later. I must write.

Writing forces me to focus on the words at hand; on the mechanics of typing; on the grammar and punctuation of putting thoughts in a lineare progression. I think writing, and reading, is more therapeutic than speaking and listening. Perhaps that is why I have taken up blogging at this time.

Corvid-19 has effected me along with everyone I know. It is effecting all while infecting few. Social distancing has greatly reduce my face-face interaction with other humans. This has left my brain with little to do but to think. It has much more time to "free wheel" as I like to call it. My mind enjoys free-wheeling. I often think people should allow their minds to free-wheel more often. I think it is a fundemental need of the human brain to break the bonds of everyday mundane activity and to turn inward and bounce around inside its empty skull for a bit. However, too much free-wheeling also defines Attention Deficit Disorder and I think writing forces focus and counters this tendency.

Speaking and listening also force focus a bit. However, with its free flowing current constantly changing direction at every obstacle and twist, it more resembles the free-wheeling mind. Conversations never stay on target for more than a few minutes before taking aim at a new horizon. I, like most people, enjoy a good conversation, it gives fodder for my brain to bounce around in my skull during its free-wheeling time. However, in excess, its transience can leave me a bit unsettled.

So many thoughts, ideas, feelings, all screaming to escape their space and time. Like individual beings all wanting to be recognized and announced to the universe. Writing gives them some measure of permanence even if its just an illusion. Permeance is an endangered species in todays world, if it ever really existed. Thus I write; striving for some kind of eternal life despite knowing that no such thing exists.

Today

 I awoke this morning thinking about what I wanted to write on this blog for today. My mind was awash with so many ideas, jumping from one topic to another like the rhythmic ocean waves pounding on rocky shorelines. The fire of coved-19; the reasons I write; the idiocy and genius of Trump; the value of libraries. The list could go on. Then I stepped outside with my coffee in hand. I watched the dawn break with its colors of orange, purples in pink painting the eastern sky with hope of a new day, driving the darkness of night receding to its western quarter. I'm still unsure what to write. Maybe it will come to me later but for now I think I will just watch and revel in the sun's warmth.

HOPE

 Yesterday Donald Trump tested positive for Covid-19! One of his close aides. HOPE Hicks, tested positive after exhibiting symptoms and it is implied that she passed this dragon virus onto Trump. Wow! How fitting her first name seems to be. HOPE, for she has given me hope for the future of this great country. Hope that the great imposter, this self-serving piece of shit that cares nothing for his people unless they benefit him in some way, will now suffer immeasurable prolonged pain like he has inflicted on so many of this world. Only time will tell if this HOPE will be realized; but I sure HOPE it will be so.

Perhaps the greatest evil this beast has brought to this planet is the very hatred I express in the paragraph above. Perhaps it gives him too much credit to say that he brought this curse to us; for I believe it has existed since time immortal. How does his moto, "America First" really differ from "Me first!" and certainly this attitude is part of every living organism. It is what drives an ameba when it engulfs a smaller,weaker organism to use for its own metabolic energy. No, Trump didn't invent this concept although I'm sure he would proclaim such credit if he thought it would benefit him. Perhaps he simply is simply a distillery; a filter, separating the bad from the good characteristics of life. He divides love and hate; abundance and scarcity; Freud's ID from his super-ego. Life requires a mix of these qualities to exist. It requires a constant pull and push of these opposing forces to maintain its homeostasis. Trump actively separates and divides these into separate camps with an ever thinning line dividing them.  What happens when this line ruptures? The prophetized Armageddon? Does one side win or is there mutual annihilation? Life cannot exist without homeostasis; the constant push and pull of opposing forces. Maybe annihilation is the ultimate everlasting peace, but a peace without any joy.

All I know  is that I hate this man, and more to the point I hate that I hate. I go to bed fantasizing about prolonged, agonizing deaths that I would rejoice in inflicting on him. I love life and its constant give and take. I truly hate the black shadow my hate casts amid the sunshine of  love.

Manic Day Bliss

 Today I find myself in a very happy place. If I am a manic/depressive being (aren't we all to some degree) I am definitely in a manic phase and I love it. Some of my delight is triggered by the warm golden sunshine streaming down from above. (Two days in a row, it must be a record for this summer.) I'm sure yesterdays stroll through the Top of The Word on Wickersham Dome also is effecting the chemistry of bain. Indeed, one of yesterday's events most certainly is contributing to the smile in my brain.

During my hike yesterday I forgot my walking stick at a point along the trail. The stick was of a stem of diamond willow which my son had harvest from the banks of the Chena River. He gave it to me several years ago and I carved,sanded and finished it to a golden rod with deep, blood colored diamond shapes contrasting with its light golden wood. It formed the perfect shape to fit my hands with its curving, gnarled   surface. Normally such a loss would have tinted my world a bit in to depressed gray but the events that followed had an opposite effect.

When I got home I posted a blurb on Facebook about losing it. Within a very short time I received a response from a fine young lady informing me that they had found the object and were delighted to be able to put it back in my hands. She and her family of 4 had encountered me along the trail and we had briefly exchanged pleasantries. They found the stick propped up in a trailside bush and remembered that fine walking stick in my grubby hands during that brief encounter. Her young son had dutifully carried it back to the trailhead in hopes that they could return it to me. Alas, I had already departed when they arrived.

This morning I awoke to marvelous sunshine and the knowledge that I would be re-united with the lost object. While picking up the stick at Paige's home I learned that Paige and knows my daughter, Rachel, through their mutual nursing jobs at the hospital. Sometimes it truly is a small world. I love this place where I live! I exist among boundless landscapes in which I  roam and people who aren't afraid to share a bit of themselves with each other. How did I come to be so blessed?

Weird Place of My Mind

 My mind is strange place. Since my wife if gone at work, fighting the dreaded Covid-19 dragon, I find myself alone in the house on yet another cool,rainy and gloomy morning. At first my thoughts busied themselves with contemplating the evolution of the fishes of this world and then the more general evolution of life. (Did you know that 75% of fishes in today's world evolved in fresh water?)  In my mental model of life, I see all life as existing in an eddy in the river of time. It exists in the counter-current flowing opposite to the universal headlong rush to entropy, the lowest energy state. Like all the water in a river it can flow backwards to the main current, perhaps due to some obstruction, but it eventually rejoins the unrelenting rush to oblivion. Perhaps, and most likely, this analogy applies not just to life but also to existence itself. I think of existing in terms of mass and matter, but are not mass and matter not also just eddies within this steam flowing to oblivion? Matter eventually "degrades" to energy, but energy itself eventually expands and dilutes until it is nonexistent. A photon emitted from a star like our sun, streaks through space, getting less intense until it exists no more. Indeed, nothing can be said to exist unless there is an opposite state we term nonexistence. An immutable duality that that seems to permeate everything. There is no such thing as nonexistent without there also being existence and vice-avcercea. There is no good without there being evil; no god without there being a satan; no life without a death. Is the ultimate peace nonexistence?

My mind can not handle contemplating such deep trains of thought for too long before getting distracted by more mundane activities; before returning to the comfort of the circular flow of the eddies of existence. An object that my wife gave me snapped me back into more comfortable thoughts. The object is a wooden rectangle about 10 inches in length and 3 inches of width. Its sides are constructed of 3/4 inch boards with metal pegs inserted into the wood sides, so that they protrude upwards out of the sides to a height about 3/4 of an inch. The two long sides are separated from each other by end pieces of about 1.5 inches long wedged between the long sides of the rectangle and a similar piece supporting the middle of it My wife had given me the object as a way to support my cell phone in an upright position for the duration of a vides call I was expecting. I was intrigued as to what purpose this object was built to perform. It was obviously engineered for some reason but I was at a loss as to what that purpose was. Examining it closer I noticed that it was stamped with the words, "www.knittingboard.com." Like any good twenty-first century man I immediately got on the internet and navigated to this "location" in the digital world. There I found video instructions on how to use this device to tie specific knots in yarn around the metal pegs to create fabric and form it into socks or hats. The ingenuity of humans amazes me! 

From this point my mind wandered to a myriad of other directions in this eddy I find myself trapped inside. Why do I know so little about textiles and the processes of creating them? Why in my current society are these processes relegated so much to the female gender? Have they always been primarily so relegated in human history? Could knot tying be a form of communication? The Mayan culture sure made an attempt to do so. Communication, at its core, is an attempt to pass our information on to "others", both through time and space. Even our genes are attempts at such. But time and space is nothing without the duality of existence and nonexistence. I'm trapped in this eternal eddy so I might as well enjoy however it flows. There is no alternative.